Metamorphmagi Have More Fun
by Charitable Millionaire
Summary: Tonks is given the incredibly dangerous mission of breaking into Malfoy Manor by posing as a blonde pureblood. Sirius and Remus are assigned to help her. But everything goes mind-boggingly wrong when she runs into her own sister Hermione who has already infiltrated the Manor by dating Draco! A tale of love, war & mistaken identities! *With Sirius crossdressing*
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story will be T or M but certain later chapters will have a link at the beginning of them for the uncensored smutty version of that chapter. The story is pretty clean right now, but that will change latter. Thanks!**

 **Metamorphmagi Have More Fun**

 ** _(or Two Marauders, One Metamorphmagus and Malfoy Manor...Equals Trouble)_**

 **~a tale of War, Love & Mischief~**

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 **Chapter 1: I Want You to Break Into Malfoy Manor**

Nymphadora Tonks sat at the kitchen table in Grimmauld Place, boredly playing with a strand of her bubblegum pink hair. Beside her sat the Order of the Phoenix members for one of their late night meetings. Dumbledore and Kingsley were droning on about some obscure form of ward magic that they thought could help them break into Malfoy Manor. Tonks listened with bored disinterest, she highly doubted anyone could break into Malfoy Manor, even Dumbledore. It would probably be easier to break into Gringotts than set foot into the manor of her hated relatives, the Malfoys. She tuned out of what Dumbledore was saying and her eyes drifted to her favourite pair of Order of the Phoenix members: Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.

Sirius was talking rather loudly, as he always did, and making his strong opinions known to Dumbledore. Sirius had long, black shaggy hair and piercing grey eyes in an aristocrat face that now looked perpetually tired but had once been completely beautiful. But Tonks' eyes were focused more on Remus, the shy man beside him with amber eyes and short light hair that fell to just below his ears. He was also Sirius' age, 35.

Since she joined the Order a few months ago, Tonks had been fascinated by the softly spoken former-professor who also happened to be a werewolf. She could not deny that Remus' lycanthropy fascinated her. Because it did. It seemed such a fascinating contradiction that such a controlled, well-mannered and kind man could ever become such an untamed animal. She giggled to herself, more than a few times, and blushed when she thought of Remus transforming and losing control. Did Remus carry any of the traits of the wolf? Did he ever lose control of himself and become animalistic when he was with a woman? She licked her lips at the thought of the uptight professor losing control with her.

Suddenly Dumbledore cleared his throat.

"Nymphadora Tonks, what is your opinion of this matter?"

 _Fuck. Had it been so obvious she was ogling Remus instead of paying attention to the meeting?_

All eyes at the table, including McGonagall, Kingsley, Ernest, Molly, Arthur, Charlie, Mad-Eye Mooney, Sirius and of course, Remus too, stared sternly at her. Aside from Charlie who has a few years older than her, she was the youngest member of the Order of the Phoenix and she knew they still had doubts of her ability. Despite the fact that she'd just graduated from Auror school with top marks.

Tonks smiled in embarrassment at Dumbledore. She hadn't a clue what they'd been discussing. But she heard 'saying yes' to everything was usually a good idea, so she tried that.

"Ummm...Y-yes?" Tonks replied.

The other members started chatting away furiously. Tonks could barely pick up what they were saying when so many people were speaking at once.

"So you do think, Nymphadora," Dumbledore said slowly, making her cringe on the use of her first name, "that it would be a good idea if we had some of our members infiltrate Malfoy Manor by posing as purebloods and befriending them?"

 _What?!_

Nympadora felt her face redden and she could feel her hair-colour changing to reflect her surprise. She mentally winced to stop her hair from transforming and then used her metamorphmagus abilities to return her face to its normal unblushing colour.

"Umm...yes I think it would be a good idea," she stole a glance at Remus and felt embarrassed that he was looking at her with something close to quiet contempt, "In fact, I-I'd like to volunteer!"

 _What the hell did she just say?! Did she just volunteer herself to break into her evil pureblood uncle's house?!_ Tonks buried her face in her hands. She really needed an internal filter to keep her from speaking before thinking.

Dumbledore, however, sounded delighted. "Of course, what better way to use your metamorphmagus abilities than in a reconnaissance mission! You would be virtually undetectable by any spell. I actually had you in mind for this for quite some time, I am only too glad you volunteered!"

 _Oh what a coincidence,_ Tonks thought, _Did Dumbledore plan everything in advance, including asking her to make an important decision when she was debilitated by lustful thoughts of Remus? Bloody perfect._

McGonagall fixed both Dumbledore and Tonks with her stern, matriarchal gaze before clearing her throat. "This is indeed good news Albus, we have been needing to infiltrate Malfoy Manor for awhile. But I really think, with Nymphadora being so young and new, that she have an older more experienced member of the Order of the Pheonix guide and assist her."

Dumbledore's eyes seemed to twinkle behind his half-moon glasses. "How thoughtless of me, Minerva! You're completely right! Nymphadora has only just finished her training as an Auror but she has little first hand experience and needs to be further educated in spying and Order work."

"I have trained her as much as I can but I'm far too busy now," Mad-Eye grunted, "I've done as much as I could do with her!"

Tonks felt glad Mad-Eye was no longer available to scream and boss her around while "training" her...More like training a dog, Tonks thought bitterly, she'd had enough of the old grump ordering her around.

"Is anyone else available to be Miss Tonks' mentor?" Dumbledore asked the room.

Tonks stole a glance at Remus. She crossed her fingers underneath the table hoping that Remus might volunteer to help her.

"Anyone?" Dumbledore repeated.

Why wasn't anyone volunteering? Tonks felt herself getting nervous and chewed on her lip. Was she that much a clutz that no one wanted to be assigned with her?

"I'll take her on," Sirius finally said, with a wink in her direction, "She's one of my own, Dromeda's daughter, so I would like to take her under my wing if I can. I have plenty of time to spare, unfortunately, being a fugitive _still_." Sirius' voice was laced with bitter sarcasm. Everyone knew how angry Sirius was that he couldn't go anywhere without the Ministry trying to chase him down and throw him back in Azkaban.

Dumbledore pushed up his half-moon glasses and fixed his gaze between Sirius and Tonks. "Are you sure Sirius that you could handle this?" his voice was heavy with doubt.

"Perfectly," Sirius replied with a casual air of confidence and rolled his eyes.

 _Noooo!_ Tonks was mentally screaming. If Sirius was her mentor, nothing 'serious' would get done and he would probably drive her up the wall with his jokes and constant mood swings. Sirius was like a lightning storm on a summer's day, completely unpredictable.

She spoke up quickly. "Umm Dumbledore, sir, I appreciate Sirius' offer, but I wonder how much ah-assistance he will be if he cannot even go outside the house."

"I can go outside the house, Tonks," Sirius scowled, "I go out everyday!"

"As a dog, Padfoot," Remus said. His arms were crossed and he sounded very bored by the whole conversation, barely looking at Tonks.

"Hmm. that is a valid point." Dumbledore's eyes twinkled as he shifted his gaze between Nymphadora's hopeful face staring at Remus and Remus' cool indifference. "Perhaps you, Remus, could assist in this matter and help guide Miss Tonks where Sirius cannot?"

Remus seemed taken by surprise. He uncrossed his arms and frowned as he stared across the table at Nymphadora as if mentally deciding whether he could take on such a clumsy brat. It was the first time Remus had ever stared so intently at her and Tonks felt incredibly nervous. She tried not to squirm under his scrutiny.

Suddenly Remus' frown turned into a smirk and he told Dumbledore pleasantly, "Why, yes, I think I could assist Miss Tonks and Sirius. And I would be happy to help this mission along. It's been a long time coming that someone infiltrate Malfoy Manor."

"That's settled then! Now moving along to another topic..." Dumbledore blabbered on.

But Tonks couldn't hear anything more being said. She had completely tuned out.

Her mind kept thinking in panic, 'I have been assigned an incredibly dangerous and high risk mission. And both Sirius and Remus are going to help me!'

She stole another glance at the men sitting across from her. Remus had his arms crossed with an unreadable expression on his face but Sirius noticed the panicked look in her eyes and winked at her, as if to reassure her that she had nothing to worry about.

Bollocks. This was just a disaster waiting to happen, wasn't it?

So why did she feel so irrationally happy?

Tonks grinned widely to herself.

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 **A/N: This story is going to be complete nonsense but I think it'll be fun ;) and eventually smutty ;) please review/follow etc if you are interested thanks!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry but I just had to throw Tonks' nan into this cos I love my granny! But don't worry Draco &Hermione will be in the next chapter!**

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 **Chapter 2:** **Nan**

Tonks crashed back into her apartment with a loud pop of apparition and stumbled to her feet, barely missing pushing over a large set of expensive china. Dammit she didn't even drink anything and she stumbled around like a drunk sailor! No wonder everyone thought she was a klutz and didn't take her seriously. She recalled with fresh horror how long it had taken before anyone volunteered to take on the mission with her. Did they really think she was going to get them killed?

Thank god Sirius had volunteered. Though Tonks had a feeling her cousin would do anything to alleviate his boredom, especially something reckless. Remus, on the other hand, had to be practically coerced by Dumbledore to be part of the mission with her and Sirius.

Tonks blushed as she remembered it. Remus had seemed so unenthusiastic about the whole thing. Although she couldn't deny she _loved_ the idea of spending so much time with the reserved former professor. Dammit, Remus must really NOT like her if he had to be forced to spend time with her. Which was plain embarassing considering how much she was looking forward to it. Even if Sirius was there, budging into things. Sirius would probably cause mayhem or else tease her endlessly once he figured out his cousin had a thing for Remus.

Tonks sighed loudly as she removed her heavy leather jacket and kicked off her combat boots. One of the shoes accidentally flung a bit too hard and hit the wall with a sharp thud, nearly knocking over the framed portrait hanging on the wall. In it the portrait of her late Granny Flora Tonks creaked open an eye, awaking from her nap and stared back at her grandaughter disapprovingly.

"Sorry Nan, okay?" Tonks rolled her eyes.

What on earth had she been thinking when she let her mother give her the portrait as a Christmas present. More like Christmas torture. Though of course if she tried to get rid of it, her mother would know because she had the connecting portrait of her grandad. Who was a nosy bastard who kept a vigilant tab on Nan's portrait. And family gossip. The two portraits were nosy old tattle tales.

Nan sat up straight in her rocking chair and collected a ball of yarn, which had fallen off her lap during her nap. Her thick liver-spotted hands began to wind it up the ball of yarn until it was in one neatly tied bundle as she fixed a beady, disapproving eye on her granddaughter.

"So Nymphadora where have you been this evening?" Nan asked in her Mancunian accent.

"At a meeting." Tonks smirked cheekily. Despite the sourpuss mood she was in, she was still abominably happy about working with Remus. So it was hard for her to control her smile.

"The Order?" Nan asked snoopily, her suspicions raised by Tonk's smile.

"Yessss," Tonks enunciated and clicked on the telly to try to distract herself, "But don't expect me to answer anymore questions cause it's highly top secret!"

But she smiled even wider, knowing the portrait would now ask her even more questions. Which she would answer, because she felt like talking about the mission. And to be honest, the only other person Nan would blab too was Grandad's portrait. So it was safe. Still she liked to torture the old woman's curiosity.

"Now Nymphadora!" Nan began to complain, "You know you can trust me with your deepest secrets! It's not like I didn't change your nappies when you were still in swaddling clothes!"

"Yes," Tonks cringed at the imagery, "But this time it's a little different," she gloated and stretched herself out languidly on the lime green couch, "Now I've been given my _first_ mission for the Order."

Nan burst into an excited smile. "Oh my goodness, congratulations Nymphy! Oh I'm so proud of you! and so soon after your graduation from auror academy...Oh your parents are going to be so proud when I tell them..." her nan continued to lavish praise on her for a whole two minutes and Tonks nodded her head approvingly for she could use the ego-boost. Especially when Nan normally criticized her messy lifestyle choices. But suddenly Nan's happy praises stopped abruptly.  
"Wait," Nan said, "What kind of mission have you been given? It's not dangerous is it?"

Tonks winced. She didn't really want to make Nan worry. "I'm not sure what you were expecting when I became an auror, nan, but technically speaking no mission is 100% safe."

Nan gasped in horror like she'd just said she was about to go bungie diving without a cord.

"BUT," Tonks said quickly to alleviate her nan's fears, "I won't be doing the mission alone. Two other...um...aurors are going to help me." She omitted that it was actually her fugitive cousin Sirius and a werewolf who were going to help her. Because that would make her worry more.

"Oh thank goodness! You had me worried there for a second," Nan exclaimed, poking one of her knitting needles into a green ball of yarn.

"Nah, I'll be fine," Tonks smirked to herself. Actually she'd be more than fine, she'd be in Remus' company constantly. Well...also Sirius who was a bit annoying. Her thoughts became distractedly naughty as she thought of all the situations she could come up with where Remus might accidentally fall in love with her. Maybe as she infiltrated Malfoy Manor and her evil uncle Lucius tried to kill her and Remus had to come to her rescue, then madly french kissed her as they ran away from the manor. On a galloping white horse.

"Tonks are you listening to me?!" Nan's voice pierced her thoughts.

"Erm, yeah what'd you say?" Tonks blinked obliviously.

Nan repeatedly loudly, as if Tonks was suddenly deaf. "I said hold on, I'm just going to pop over to your grandads and tell them!"

Tonks groaned as Nan disappeared from her portrait to go blab at grandad's portrait.

Maybe she shouldn't have said anything at all. Tonks went to her minifridge to grab out a bottle of wine and poured herself a goblet, barely missing spilling a drop onto the white carpet.

Nan reappeared again in her portrait, a few minutes later, more excited and happy than ever, her hands clasped together. "I've just told them! They're so proud they nearly shouted! They say they want you to come over for dinner to celebrate, Hermione's coming too!"

"Hermione?" Tonks asked.

"Yes, your little sister! She says she's going to come over! And she's going to bring over her new boyfriend!"

Tonks practically spat out her wine. Since when did Hermione have a boyfriend?

"Who's her boyfriend?" Tonks demanded.

"WE DON'T KNOW YET!" Nan shrieked, "BUT ISN'T IT EXCITING?!"

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 **Next chapter: Guess Who's coming to dinner (with Draco Malfoy, Hermione's BF)!**

 **But it's not what you expect, there's a surprise!**

 **If you're interested in this story, please review if you can...will help to update faster...anyways thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Thank you to Harmonyalways and MaraudersExtra for reviewing! Thanks! :-)**

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 **Chapter 3: Home Sweet Home**

"...Dora can you pass the cream and sugar please?"

"Yes, mother."

Tonks passed the fancy china ware her mother always brought out when entertaining guests for tea and watched as her mother gracefully ladled some sugar and cream into her teacup. Unlike her clumsy self, her mother had neat well-manicured hands and was extremely graceful. Despite being disowned by the Blacks for marrying a muggleborn, Andromeda was every bit a pureblood in her customs and manners, if nothing else. Meanwhile, her dad Ted Tonks was the complete opposite, a joker with his family roots in nothing so glamorous as mining and Manchester though he had a good humour to thank for it.

"So how is your life?"

"Can we not talk about my life, mum, right now? I thought I came over here so we could meet Hermione's boyfriend."

"It takes the train awhile to arrive dear, they both go to Hogwarts together."

"Oh really?" Tonks mimicked her mum's posh voice

Andromeda pretended to not notice her older daughter's snide tone.

"Yes," Andromeda smiled proudly, "Hermione is very excited to introduce him to us. I think he might be a keeper, don't you think so Ted?" she called over to her husband who was laid out on the couch watching the football match on the telly.

"Sure dear, we'll just have to meet him first!" Ted winked and shared a quirky smile with his daughter. Tonks immediately felt glad she wasn't the only in hysteria over Hermione's new boyfriend. They didn't even know who the mystery borfriend was yet. In the background Granny Tonks and Pa Tonks portraits were gossiping non-stop and there was wild speculation on who he could be.

"More cake dear?" Andromeda asked pleasantly as she sliced a iced blueberry cake into thin even slices and poured some tea, before switching subject in that sly way all mothers do, "So Dora, have you started dating again?"

Tonks was in the midst of eating a mouthful of the blueberry cake and getting crumbs all over herself and felt very unladylike than ever under her mother's knowing gaze. "No, mum. Been sort of busy. Between the Order and my day job at the Ministry, I haven't exactly had time to go around looking for blokes," she replied churlishly.

Andromeda laughed, "Well you don't 'go around looking for blokes', Dora! Most of the time, you meet them by accident." she waved an elegant hand in the air, "Surely there is someone at the Ministry or Order who's caught your eye?"

Tonks crossed her arms. "No there isn't. And I'm not supposed to discuss who's in the Order."

Andromeda shrugged "Well I know that Dora, it's all top secret, but you don't have to tell us his name...although we already know who many of the Order members are: Dumbledore, the Weasleys, Mad-Eye, Sirius..." her mother paused to laugh lingeringly, "Of course I can't imagine it would be Sirius who caught your eye!"

Tonks felt her face go red. The only thing worse than discussing her lovelife with her parents was her mother insinuating that she had a thing for a relative. Honestly did they think she was that demented?

"Mum!"

"What? He was quite good looking when he was younger, I wouldn't blame you Dora if you did develop a crush-"

"Mum I am NOT in love with your cousin Sirius!"

"Well then tell us who it is then in the Order that's got you all riled up?"

"There's no one!" Tonks lied through clenched teeth. Because she really didn't feel like telling her mum that the current object of her affection was a werewolf completely indifferent to her, and much older.

"No one at all?" Andromeda raised her eyebrows incredulously, "Surely you must have met at least one-"

"No one's got me riled up mum! God! What is that even supposed to mean?!"

Luckily Ted intervened before her mother's prying questions got too far, "C'mon Andy, give the girl a break! Dora's very busy with her career right now, and we're supposed to be celebrating her advancement in the Order, frankly I for one am very proud." He smiled warmly at his daughter, and Tonks never felt so glad to be her father's daughter but then he added, "Besides we can't expect both our daughters to be settling down at the same time."

"I suppose you're right," Andromeda sighed in disappointment.

Tonks couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Really dad? You think Hermione is settling down?" She couldn't believe how much her parents were overreacting over Hermione's one boyfriend. They acted like she was getting married already. "Hermione's only 17 and this is her first boyfriend, that we know of, she's hardly settling down!"

"Your mother and I met when we were 17."

"So that was like the 1970s!" Tonks said. "No one gets married straight out of school anymore, unless they're pregnant."

Andromeda suddenly put down her cup with a sharp clang.

"Dora why are getting cross?"

"I'm not getting cross."

"Yes, you are," Andromeda insisted, "I'm sorry if you feel that Hermione's news is getting in the way of celebrating your promotion with the Order, but we've already celebrated it. Honestly, we hardly ever get to see Hermione when she's at school and her trip was already planned."

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Believe me mum, I'm really looking forward to meeting Hermione's boyfriend! With all the hype you've built around him, it sounds like he might be the second coming of Merlin!"

They were interrupted by loud knocking on their front door.

Andromeda stood up from her chair and turned to her husband, "Oh my god it's them! The door! Ted go get the door!"

Tonks watched incredulously as her parents stumbled down the hallway to open the front door first. God could they get anymore exaggerated over one boyfriend?! Tonks didn't remember them getting this excited when she'd brought that lanky Hufflepuff with a nose-ring in her fifth year, not that he had been her first boyfriend. She'd always had a string of boy-friends and boyfriends that made her parents slightly uncomfortable. Yet they were blowing a fuse now that Hermione was finally bringing her first boyfriend home!

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Author's note:

Next part: Hello everybody my name is _ _, Hermione's boyfriend! There'll be a slight surprise though! Can you guess what it is? Bonus points if you can guess!

 **ALSO WANT TO SAY THAT THERE WILL BE TWO VERSIONS OF THIS STORY: THE T RATED STORY HERE ON FANFICTION .NET AND THEN THERE WILL BE THE SLUTTY VERSION WHICH I WILL POST ON ANOTHER SITE. Keep reading it here but when there's a chapter that contains a slutty scene, I will include a link to the uncensored version at the top of that chapter. **Hopefully I won't have to use too many slutty scenes, though I think it is inevitable if she's going to break into Malfoy Manor** Thanks.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Thanks for everyone who reviewed/faved/follow! Thanks and feel free to review if you want to! ;)**

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 **Chapter 4: Interrogation Over Dinner**

Her parents absolutely loved Hermione's new boyfriend, that much was for sure.

They were practically eating out of his hands, though they barely knew him for more than a few minutes. Mum laughed at all his jokes like everything he said was so witty, while her dad nodded his head approvingly, and said "Good lad", as Hermione's boyfriend described his plans of working for the Wizengamot after graduation. Something that required top of the class high grades and recommendations, which Hermione's boyfriend assured them he had. It was all a bit too perfect. and cozy.

Luckily, Tonks had a degree of reservation and while her parents made complete fools of themselves over him and Hermione looked smug...Tonks sipped on a goblet of wine and quietly observed everything he said, every little hand gesture, tic, facial expression...that told her something about him was lying.

She remembered Mad-Eye Moody's words, ' _constant vigilance'._ Yes, constant vigilance indeed, one never knew where the enemy might show up. It didn't matter that this was a family dinner, one could never be too careful. Tonks could only imagine how disappointed Mad-Eye would be in her if she let the enemy infiltrate her own family. She'd never live it down.

And she had a gut instinct that something was off.

There was something she didn't trust about Hermione's boyfriend. Or rather he felt familiar but she couldn't quite place where she'd seen the blue-eyed, brown hair Hufflepuff before.

Tonks put down her pea and ham laden fork.

"Sorry what was your name again?" she asked him.

"Dora!" Andromeda said through gritted teeth while Hermione glared at her across from the table, " _Steven_ has already told us his name, or have you drunk so much wine that you're starting to forget things!"

"S-orry, I just could've sworn I've met him somewhere before..." Though she couldn't figure out where so she continued staring at him rudely.

"My name is Steven Collins, seventh year Hufflepuff?" he raised an arrogant brow mockingly.

Yes, that is precisely what she didn't believe. She was a auror, for Merlin's sake, she could smell a lie a mile away... Or what had Mad-Eye's training taught her? No, there was definitely something off about 'Steven', though she couldn't figure out what her sister had to do with it, or if Hermione even knew. 'Steven' neither seemed like a Hufflepuff in the slightest.

She stared at his brown hair and blue eyes mistrustfully. "Okay _Steven,_ what is the house motto of Hufflepuff?"

 _"Dora quit it!_ " Hermione and Andromeda both hissed before he could answer. Hermione glared at her and placed a hand protectively around her boyfriend, while Andromeda looked she wanted to strangle her for ruining the family dinner.

"I'm sorry Steven, I do not know what's gotten into my oldest daughter!" Andromeda trilled in embarrassment and gave Steven one of her charming apologetic smiles.

But Steven merely smirked. "It's alright Hermione, Mrs. Tonks," he drawled politely in an voice much too posh for his stated background, "Your sister's questions don't bother me." He smirked. "She has a right to know who her sister is dating. Feel free to ask me anything you like _Nymphadora_." There was a challenging glint to his eyes as he said this, staring right at her.

 _Oh it is on,_ Tonks thought.

She smirked. "Where did you grow up?"

"Tottenham."

"Ha!" she laughed triumphantly, "You don't have the accent to match!"

"My mother was Australian," he said quickly.

"That would make you sound more like South London!"

Steven's facade flinched for the briefest moment. "There's more than one province in Australia."

Andromeda's nostrils flared and looked like she wanted to burst but Tonks continued undaunted.

"Alright Steven, tell me one province then where your mother is from and don't think I won't check the facts after!"

Hermione loudly scraped her knife against her plate.

"Enough!"

Everybody looked at Hermione. She had been quiet all evening, because everybody was more interested in speaking to her boyfriend than her. But it seemed her patience was up.

"Dora," she pointed at her sister, "You and me. Outside. Right now."

Bugger. Tonks felt she had been so close to unraveling Collins' disguise. Steven smirked at her as he watched both sisters leave the table. Tonks narrowed her eyes at him as she left the room, _Oh don't think you've gotten off yet, Steven. I'm onto your arse._

~/~

As soon as they were out in the hall, Hermione yanked her roughly by the arm.

"What on earth is your problem?!"

"What?" Tonks rolled her eyes churlishly, "I was just asking him a few questions."

"No you weren't! You were interrogating him like he was some criminal!" Hermione shouted, "You completely embarrassed me, now he's probably never going to want to come back here again!"

"Oh, please, 'Steven' was loving it, mum and dad were completely licking his arse and balls and you know it!" she crossed her arms, "I'm the only one that asked any real questions."

Hermione made a disgusted face at that mental image. "Just keep out of it Dora! Or are you just completely jealous that everyone wanted to talk about Steven instead of your promotion at the Order?"

Tonks scowled, "Please, I'm not even allowed to talk about the Order! The only reason you even know I work for them is because your friends with Harry. Otherwise I can't tell a single detail to anyone not even to my own sister, not that you're being honest with me," she said heavy with implication.

"What are you talking about?!"

Tonks laughed. "Oh come on, I know you and this Steven fellow are hiding things!"

"We are _not,_ " Hermione huffed.

"You are!" Tonks insisted loudly, "Do you really expect me to believe he's Steven the Hufflepuff from Tottenham?!" she asked incredulously, "His accent doesn't even match!"

Hermione's lips set in a firm line but she said nothing.

"I know when you're lying Hermione, and honestly, I don't care if Steven is actually some bad boy you're dating that you want to cover up!" she laughed at Hermione's grim expression, "I've done it myself before, though I actually liked shocking mum and dad instead of pretending he was some preppy!"

Hermione looked like she was fuming. "You know nothing about Steven, not one thing! So just back off!" She stormed off.

Oh there was definitely something going on here. No matter what Hermione said. Tonks knew when her sister was lying. She could only just wonder what...Usually Hermione told her everything and they didn't keep secrets. But what was big enough that Hermione wanted to keep it a secret even from her?

Tonks shook her head. _I just know there's something off about this Steven fellow._

She grimaced as she heard Steven tell a joke to her parents and she heard all three of them laugh loudly at him like he was a bloody comedian.

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 **A/N: So does anyone think Steven Collins might actually be a certain blonde Slytherin? Haha I'll let you guess for now but I think you've probably figured it out ;)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow**

 **.**

 ** _Later that night after dinner..._**

"I'm sorry about my family."

Her brown eyes met his silver ones. Their expressions were both tense but he managed to smile.

"It's alright, your parents are fine...and well your sister..." he smirked.

"Is a nightmare!"

He shook his head. "It's alright though. You can't choose your family anymore than I can..." his voice trailed off. For a moment they were both reminded of everything that they couldn't be or have.

Out of reflex, she looked behind her before grabbing his hand. "I'm still sorry Steven."

He laughed almost sadly. "Don't call me that anymore, nobody's listening."

The brunette nodded and a few of her wavy curls fell across her face. "I know, I'm just being extra careful...you know we can't be seen together...S-" she stopped herself from accidentally calling him by that name again.

He smiled then and held her by the chin. His grey eyes were completely forlorn for a moment as he stared at this girl who held his heart. "Hey someday soon, I promise we won't have to hide like this."

With that, and not caring that 'someday soon' was still not today, he leaned down and kissed her-completely unchastely and completely uncaring of who saw them on the crowded train platform.

For a moment she struggled against him but she relaxed into his arms as he pressed her into him and whispered sweet nothings, his breathe hot in her ear.

"I promise my love soon we won't have to hide."

She gave the tiniest of nods and he kissed her again.

* * *

 **Meanwhile Back at the Tonks residence...**

"NEVER EVER behave like that again!" Andromeda screeched at her oldest daughter as soon as she closed the door on Steven and Hermione, and her face stopped smiling artificially.

"Sorry mum, but I told you I don't trust him," Tonks said for what must have been the fifth time, but no one seemed to be getting her side of the argument.

"Oh yes!" Andromeda shouted almost hysterically, "Because Steven just happens to be the nicest man that ever walked through these doors!"

"Ha! I'm sure dad would love to hear that!" Tonks laughed over her shoulder as she went to the living room to collect her metal purse so she could leave. Andromeda followed behind her.

"I think you know what I meant," Andromeda said crossly.

Tonks had been crouching over the sofa to find her purse but she stopped short and looked back up at her mother. She _knew_ what her mother was trying to imply. Still it hurt, and she wanted to hear her mother say it directly.

"So what you're saying is, _I_ haven't brought anyone nice through these doors?"

Andromeda crossed her arms and raised a dainty eyebrow. "You know the type of boys you've brought home, Dora. I don't think I need to remind you that most of them looked like they were high on something or just came off the street!"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Yes, that would be just my type, mum." She tried to laugh it off as she grabbed a pinch of Floo powder so she could leave as fast as possible. "You know maybe you're right, maybe I should bring Sirius home next time!" she said mockingly, "A bit of incest would go nicely along my track record for dating junkies and deadheads?! Actually I think Sirius is a bit of an alcoholic these days, on top of being a fugitive, so that's even better for me right?!"

"Dora you know that's not what I meant!" she pinched her nose and Tonks knew that meant her mother was probably getting a headache, "I'm just waiting for the day you'll bring someone at least somewhat respectable through these doors!"

Tonks smirked as she thought how her mother would take it if she ever brought the werewolf Remus home. "Don't worry mum, I'm working on it. Think you'll be pleased with who I bring next, so wotcher!" she winked at her mother's horrified expression and skipped through the fireplace with a dash of floo powder.

Andromeda managed to call after her. "Just remember Dora if you do anything to embarrass me, you embarrass yourself first!"

 _Oh believe me mum,_ Tonks thought bitterly _, I just wish I could stop embarrassing myself...but it's kind of hard not to when I have the personality of a clumsy landmine._

Tonks grimaced as she remembered she had to meet up with both Sirius and Remus early the next day to sort out their plan.

 _Bugger. Why do I always have to get myself in these situations?_

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 **A/N: Short and sweet chapter and then the next chapter will be back with Sirius, Tonks and Remus trying to figure out how they're going to break into Malfoy Manor! **and some devious planning** Please review if you are interested, I'm starting to wonder here,...but thanks anyways :-)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Planning and Family Reunions**

* * *

Tonks had gotten up bright and early, despite her hangover, and quickly dressed in a miniskirt and denim jacket, before beating a path to the headquarters. She had a spring in her step as she made her way to Grimmauld Place, thinking of all the time she would spend alone with Remus. Remus Lupin. She giggled to herself.

Well Sirius would be there also...he was a bit of an annoying git...

Still she could put up with Sirius and this whole Malfoy Manor ordeal for Remus..her sweet timid werewolf Remus.

She curled a strand of her bubblegum pink hair as she walked in. Maybe this Malfoy Manor breaking in thing wouldn't be so bad.

"Wotcher Moody," she smirked at Mad-Eye Moody as he trotted out of Grimmauld Place. The scarred battered face of her former mentor was as surly as ever as he passed her. He paused briefly to scowl at her outfit condescendingly.

"Mornin'" Mad-Eye grunted. "They're in the kitchen. You'd better hurry. I didn't teach you to be tardy."

 _Thanks arsehole_ , Tonks thought. Glad you're no longer my mentor this time.

Sirius and Remus might actually be an improvement.

"Well well, look what the cat dragged in," Sirius winked and leered at her as she stepped through the door.

Or maybe not.

~/~

 _ **Two hours and a half an hour later...**_

She knew they had a lot of 'family time' to catch up on, for all the years they didn't know each other. But so far, she was not enjoying her extra time with Sirius. In fact, Tonks was starting to understand why her mother choose to be dishoned by the Black family.

She watched as Sirius tossed a bean bag back and forth across the wall, catching it with his hands before bouncing it back to the wall again. His keen grey eyes looking smug each time he caught the bean bag.

Bounce. Bounce. Bounce.

Meanwhile Remus was just droning on about formal safety procedures in reconnaissance missions, or some other mumbo jumbo. She couldn't really concentrate on anything he was saying while Sirius was bouncing that ball.

"Sirius can you stop that?"

Sirius just raised an elegant brow at her.

"It's annoying," she informed her cousin, as if that weren't already perfectly obvious.

"Oh right because you never do anything annoying Nymphadora-" Sirius began.

"Can you both just shut up and pay attention?" Remus finally snapped and threw down the piece of chalk he'd been writing with.

They were all in a tense mood because they'd spent hours trying to figure out how exactly they'd get in Malfoy Manor, but had still come to no conclusion...at least not any safe ones. Sirius had a bunch of dangerous and absurd ideas of how they could get in but neither Tonks or Remus were taking his ideas very...well...seriously.

"C'mon you two," Remus said, as if he were their professor and not the same age as Sirius, "We've got to put our heads together. We don't have all the time in the world here."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I've already told you plenty of valid plans, Mooney, if you cared to listen."

Remus clenched his jaw. "We are not going polyjuiced as house-elves."

Tonks chuckled to herself as Sirius pouted like a sulky teenager. She jabbed him in the arm. "Yeah that was a genius plan, Sirius, until we all get beaten to death by Lucius Malfoy. You know he likes to beat his house-elves don't you?"

"That wasn't the only idea I had!" Sirius told her snidely, as if his pride were injured.

"Yes and all the rest of your ideas are equally disgusting," she told him flatly. She wanted to kick him under the table.

"Tonks is right. Most of your ideas are disgusting." Remus blushed and the corner of his mouth twitched as if he were struggling not to encourage Sirius by smiling. He cleared his throat. "Some of your ideas seriously made me wonder how you could even come up with things. They were rather disturbing."

Sirius stopped bouncing his beanbag and looked up at them like they were strangers.

"I'm sorry but what Order are you two part of?" Sirius demanded loudly, "The Order of well-behaved blushing brides? Because last time I checked, we're the Order of the bloody Phoenix, not a bunch of sorority schoolgirls!"

"What was your other plan again?" Tonks asked, because she liked how much Remus blushed whenever Sirius brought it up.

Sirius flashed her a brilliant smile. "I said we could go disguised as high-class escorts, Tiffany, Amber and Diane."

Remus looked like his face had been deep fried in a frying pan.

Tonks stifled a burst of laughter. "Who is Diane again?"

Sirius smirked. "Remus of course."

Diane, or rather Remus, blushed to the tips of his roots. "Enough of your nonsense, we are not going as escorts! Lucius is Nymphadora's uncle in case you don't remember!"

"And you don't think Lucius orders escorts?" Sirius laughed and slapped his knee, "It's the perfect plan: Lucius orders escorts, we come along fit as fiddles, bobs your uncle! We're in!"

"Hmm that might actually work," Tonks mused, her finger wrapping around her pink hair. She could barely control her laughter. As much as Sirius's ideas grossed her out, the look on Remus's face was priceless. "Who would be Tiffany again?"

Sirius sighed agreeably. "I would of course. The confident one. Diane would be the prissy primadonna that doesn't want to give any hea-"

Sirius yelped as Remus wrapped an arm around him in a headlock.

"I swear Sirius, I will kick you out of this room if you continue. I might even ask Dumbledore to take you off the Order if you persist and can't take this mission seriously!"

Sirius was getting red in the face as circulation slowed to his face.

"Remus! Calm down, you're hurting him."

He let him go and Sirius stumbled forward in his chair and grasped at his neck. "Wanker! Tried to strangle me!"

Remus fixed his cuffs. "I kept you in a headlock and you know you deserved it." He turned to her. "I'm sorry Nymphadora. Really I should go to Dumbledore and ask that you be reassigned to someone else, Sirius is clearly not going to be much use and frankly I'm already a bit busy..."

Tonks crossed her arms. So now he wanted to wheedle his way out of this altogether and not spend any time with her? Well it was time for her to put her foot down.

"Wait just a moment Remus," she said authoritatively, "Dumbledore didn't actually say _how_ we do this mission, only that we do." She shot Sirius a pointed look. "So while I may not agree with Sirius, he does have a point. Playing escorts would be a good way to infiltrate Malfoy Manor and gain his trust."

Remus's mouth fell open. "Are you saying that-"

"No I'm not saying we actually prostitute ourselves. Escorts don't actually do that, er, I think." She looked to Sirius for help, "Do they...?"

"Of course you would assume that I am the expert on these things!" Sirius said defensively.

"You're the one who suggested it!" Remus snapped at him, clearly not liking that Sirius was responsible for steering the conversation to where it was right now. The werewolf looked increasingly hot and bothered under the collar.

Tonks bit her lip. Admittedly she _liked_ seeing Remus lose his temper. The werewolf's anger was...phrrroar! Naughty thoughts back to attention. Tonks tried to look serious like the well trained auror and Ministry employee she was.

"Remus think of it this way. I could pretend to be a high-class pureblood but it would take months for me to get the grace, tact and all that mumbo jumbo. On the other hand, I could pretend to be a highclass escort and it would be a lot easier."

Sirius grinned. "You see she wants to do it!" Sirius clapped his hand against the table as if this were all good news to him.

Remus appeared horribly distraught.

"You mean you actually want to pretend to be that Nymphadora?"

Oh god why did he have to look so adorably heartbroken when he said that?

Tonks bit her lip and stared guiltily between Remus and Sirius, who were at opposite ends of the scale of happy and unhappy. Sirius looked thrilled while Remus looked like someone just told him him Santa Claus wasn't real.

"I wouldn't actually _do_ anything..."she said slowly.

Sirius fist pumped the air. "Yes! I'm going to be Tiffany!"

Remus's ears turned red. "Why are you even so excited that you get to be a woman Sirius?!"

"I don't know, Diane, but I think half the fun would be seeing you in heels!"

Tonks finally could take it no more. She had been trying to hold it back. She was embarassed, excited, angry, happy, and thrilled.

...but most of all, if she was honest, she was also looking forward to seeing 'Diane' in heels.

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 **Next chapter will be Hermione with her secret Slytherin lover...well i think you can guess** **who he is **wink wink****

 **Please review if you liked it or any criticism!**

 **Oh and someone asked where I will be posting the uncensored version of this story, but I** **haven't decided yet. Only the full story will be here for now but if there's a really naughty** **scene I will just post a link to the uncensored version in case anyone wants to read that**

 **Thanks :-)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to alexandraarias9054, guest and maraudersextra for reviewing! This story is silly but i'm glad someone likes it :-) (and its only going to get sillier)**

 **thanks!**

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Potions and Lotions**

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Hermione walked down the darkly lit hallway of the dungeons when she suddenly squeaked and felt hands pull her into a closet.

She barely had time to catch her breathe, before she felt cool familiar lips latch onto hers.

She groaned a little as he ground her into the wall. His taut body pressed up against hers.

"What took you so long?"

"I didn't want to be caught," he said in between nuzzling her neck and kissing along her jawline.

She tangled her hands in his silky hair and pulled him even closer to him.

"Just don't make me late for class." she teased but then as she felt what he was doing to her, she thought it would be worth dieing for to have a taste of this.

.

"Hermione where on earth were you?" Harry and Ron scowled at her as she met up with them before potions class. "You're almost late."

"Sorry I had to study." She brushed back her matted and slightly sweaty hair, "In the library."

Her eyes gazed off to the Slytherin side of the classroom.

Ron gave her an unpleasant look. "You're always in the library, Hermione, you might as well not come out of there altogether. Honestly."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Maybe if you spent a bit more time in the library Ron, you wouldn't need my help so much come exam times," she said flatly.

"Whatever," Ron grunted, "Exams are months away."

"Yes, that's what you say every year," Hermione said and took out her quill and potions lab book. "and then you're panicked in the last weeks and stay up all night."

Harry laughed "It's true" and Ron elbowed him. They all fell silent as Snape came into the classroom and sneered at them before scrawling some instructions on the board. A recipe for magical skin lotion.

Later as they brewed their potions, Harry nudged her. "Hey why is Draco giving you weird looks?"

Hermione dared to glance up at Draco Malfoy, who was indeed staring at her intently, his blonde hair over his eyes as he mixed his cauldron. She glanced hesitantly back at Harry.

"He's not giving me weird looks...he's just a git, Harry. Nothing's changed."

"I don't know," Harry said and scratched at his messy black hair, "He's looking at you like he wants to eat you."

Hermione stifled a laugh. "Don't be silly Harry. You must be imagining things." She bent over the counter and started finely chopping up some willow bark, to hide her blush, "Now c'mon we better get this potion brewed!"

...

* * *

When Tonks joined the Order of the Phoenix, she expected to be put in many different situations. Some of them dangerous and compromising...but somehow she never expected to be shoe-shopping with Remus and Sirius. In a muggle boutique.

"Oh I like these!" Sirius said and held up a shiny silver pair of high heels.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Nothing flashy Sirius, let's keep it tasteful."

"I'm the picture of class and taste, Mooney! Just look at the dress I picked out!" Sirius held out a short sequined gold minidress with a slit up the thigh and a plunging decollatage.

"You're a total slut Padfoot."

Tonks chuckled to herself. "Oi Diane I haven't seen you pick out anything yet?"

Remus, aka. now-everybody-called-him-Diane-to-piss-him-off, rolled his eyes again as if he were a long suffering adult stuck babysitting two children. He crossed his arms. "That's because I haven't seen anything I like."

"He's just being picky!" Sirius said and greedily flipped through the racks of clothing to find even more dresses for himself. Tonks vaguely wondered where the man learned to shop. Because even she was ready to drop.

Tonks sat down next to Remus, by the change rooms. He smiled tiredly at her and then looked away from her.

She cleared her throat and tried to get his attention. When she caught his eye she said, "So what's your favourite colour?"

"Pardon?" Remus raised an incredulous brow.

"I mean," she stammered, "I could help you pick out a dress if you tell me what you like..."

She stared hopefully at him.

"Oh," he scratched at his hair and gave her an awkward smile, "in that case.." he chuckled ".. green."

She smiled. "I figured you might be a green sort of person," she blabbered and then realized she sounded like an idiot. "I mean, you know, nature-y and down to earth?" _Okay I should just shut up now._

But Remus smiled at her. "Actually, yes, I've always considered myself close to nature..." he chuckled "Guess it helps that I turn into an animal once a month, to get in touch with my more animalistic side."

"Oh does it?" she asked with interest and crossed her legs. _And did that animalistic side extend to his bedroom activities?_ she wondered and blushed to herself.

Remus frowned at her. "It was a joke Nymphadora."

"Oh of course it is!" She smiled widely in embarrassment.

He stared at Sirius who was busily racking up more sales of shoes and dresses, getting a good dent into the Black family fortune.

He shifted his gaze back to her and she saw up close that he really had beautiful amber eyes "You know, you're awfully young to be an auror and in the Order?"

"Am I?" Tonks was really too lost in his beautiful eyes to really notice what she was saying. "Twenty's not that young."

Remus shook his head. "It's quite young. You know I'm sorry your first mission is in such shambles, I fear we may become a laughing stock if anyone else catches drift of our plan." He sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "You know it's not too late to change it and back out of this, I can just tell Dumbledore-"

She hated whenever he tried to back out of things, it was always his habit. "No Remus, I'm not backing out of my first proper mission, how would that look? Like I couldn't handle it?"

She waved a hand in the air. "Besides the plan actually is perfect, despite," she winced. "the elements of ridiculous about it." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Sirius had Mundungus spy a little on Lucius and it turns out he's always going to the fifth avenue venue on weekends and whenever his wife's not around." She chuckled grimly at the thought of what her uncle got up to when no one was looking. "It would be very easy for us to slip in there and be the one's he chooses to take home."

Remus laughed uneasily, a bit of colour rising in his face. "Yes, and what happens once he 'takes us home' as you say?" His eyes stared at her as if she were a little bunny he was afraid would be eaten.

Tonks could have died at how adorable his eyes were when he was worrying about her.

"Nothing's going to happen as long as I have Diane there. To protect me." She tried to make him smile.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Right." But he did look comforted that he could protect her somewhat.

He grimaced as he Sirius came over with a shopping trolley full of purchases.

"C'mon bitches," Sirius grinned, "It's time to go home and try these babies on!"

Remus looked like he was being dragged off to the vet and Tonks said, "C'mon Rem' it won't be so bad. You can tell me how I look in my outfits!"

At that he smiled. And they left the store with several bags worth of luxury dresses, heels and-to Remus' shock and horror-some lingerie.

The shopping clerk gave them a weird look as they left the store. "That is the most enthusiastic man I've ever seen shopping."

As Sirius started enthusiastically pulling out the lingerie and short dresses he bought, Remus got increasingly red in the face

"Sirius," he growled. "No one's actually going to see what's underneath your dress, unless you decide to slut yourself out!"

Sirius scowled. "You can never be too prepared, Rem! What if Lucius is a total pervert and decides to look up your skirt? Do you want to be in old briefs or granny panties?! A mistake like that could cost you your life!" Sirius screamed as Remus chased him through Grimmauld Place.

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NEXT CHAPTER: 'Man I feel like a woman!' (like the Shania twain song!) and maybe a scene from Malfoy manor?

pweeze review :-)


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks to alexandria, happyland3000, lanzky, guest and maraudersextra for reviewing :-)**

 **Sorry about the delay but this chapter is a bit longer! Hope you like it, let me know what you think**

* * *

 **Chapter 8: Catfight**

* * *

As soon as they got back to Grimmauld Place, Sirius started pulling out his purchases from their shiny bags and trying them on.

"Uhm," Tonks cleared her throat, "Aren't you supposed to take the polyjuice first before you start trying things on?"

"Nonsense!" Sirius waved a hand and started to slip on the tight gold dress.

At that moment, Remus, who had gone to get a coffees, walked in the room. "Oh my god, what did I just walk into."

Sirius grinned. "Shut up Remus, and start putting on a dress."

 _Oh merlin, this is madness,_ Tonks thought, but the prospect of seeing Remus in a dress was sort of yummy...and she wouldn't mind seeing him undress. Still she thought better than to change in front of everyone like Sirius who seemed to be comfortable with his body and changing in front of everyone.

She snagged one of the green dresses out of the bag and turned to Remus. "Uhm I'm going to go..try this on in the other room..." They both shot a worried glance at Sirius who was getting starkers "...I'll be back."

Remus winced and tried to avoid the general direction of looking at Sirius's bare buttcheeks. "Okay hurry. Uhm," he coughed "I won't be trying on anything Tonks...until" cough "I get the polyjuice."

Tonks giggled. "Yeah right. That makes sense." She shot another glance at Sirius and tittered "Nice butt Sirius", before running out of the room.

~/~

'Oh my god what on earth did I see?' Tonks thought in panic as she walked back into the room a minute later and saw her cousin standing in front of the mirror admiring himself in a tight gold dress and heels.

As Sirius spun around the dress was so tight that Tonks was treated to a full sight of Sirius's perfectly outlined package under the tight gold fabric.

Tonks covered her face with her hands. "Oh my god Sirius I think I might need to obliviate myself," she squealed, "that dress is so tight it should be illegal and haven't you ever heard of a jockey strap!"

She shot a glance at Remus, who was sitting, still very much a man and in his normal mens clothes, on the sofa and boredly watching the whole fiasco...and not joining in, despite the number of dresses Sirius had thrown at the sofa.

Remus blushed a little when he caught sight of Tonks in her green dress. "Uhm you're looking very well Nympha-ah, I mean you look very nice in that dress," he stammered and became more heated in the face.

Tonks giggled. "Well thanks but I really don't see the point of trying any of the dresses until you two get the polyjuice and I know who I'm transforming into." She grinned happily at him.

"Oi! Eyes over here!" Sirius shouted at them, hands on his hips.

'Attention whore.' Tonks thought as Remus's eyes were forced back unto the man in the gold dress and heels and...oh god she needed to stop looking at Sirius' package...but it was so damn huge and in-your-face. Why did she get the feeling that Sirius was showing off?

Sirius grinned satisfactorily once Remus and Tonks's eyes were back on him. "That's better. Now you don't really think I would try on this dress if I wasn't going to polyjuice did you?"

"YES." Remus and Tonks both said at the same time.

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Well haha but I do actually have the polyjuice and the accompanying hairs!" he said and held out a vial.

Remus suddenly looked enraged. "What, why didn't you tell me?! This isn't a one man mission-"

 _'No it's a three woman mission,'_ Tonks thought.

Remus yelled at Sirius. "-you can't just go off and do things without telling me or either of us! And you're not even supposed to go anywhere near Diagon alley when you're still a fugitive!"

Remus continued yelling at Sirius who just took it with an absent expression like he was used to the responsible werewolf yelling at him for doing stupid stuff.

"Have you tired yourself out yet?" Sirius asked with arched eyebrows as Remus took a moment to huff and puff in his breathe.

"No Sirius, you know you're not supposed to go anywhere near Diagon Alley or any magical location unless you're in disguise! Which is why we went through the trouble of shopping at a muggle location today!"

Sirius smirked. "Well if you would calm down long enough to listen, Remus, you would know that _I,_ " he pointed to himself in a self aggrandized gesture, "did NOT go to Diagon Alley. Mundungus went and he managed to swindle his way into Madame Maxine's and pick out the finest hairs of two babes."

Tonks snorted. "If going by Mundungus's taste, they might actually turn out quite frumpy."

Sirius shot her a dirty glance. "Laugh now, Tonks but as soon as I take this potion I will turn into one of the most beautiful women on earth!"

Tonks just quirked a brow. "I'm a metamorphmagus, idiot, I can turn into whatever I want. Including 'the most beautiful woman on earth'."

"Then why don't you?" Sirius challenged.

Tonks felt her blood boil. "Because I'm not insecure."

"Now Sirius," Remus warned. "Mind your words."

Sirius laughed condescendingly, and Tonks got the feeling that she was getting into a catfight with Sirius over Remus's attention.

 _Merlin what a diva and he hasn't even turned into a woman yet_ , thought Tonks in panic. She could only imagine how much worse Sirius would get once he had the histrionics kicking in.

Remus, who seemed increasingly uncomfortable at the tension between Tonks and his best friend, cleared his throat. "Now Sirius who did you get for Tonks and I?"

Sirius smiled and held out another vial. "This one has the hair of a girl called Sherbert McLane."

"Sherbert McLane?" Remus asked incredulously.

"Some blonde bint with big feet." Sirius shrugged. "Sorry I didn't want you to overshadow me."

Remus chuckled in embarrassment. "That's alright Sirius, I don't think I could overshadow you, even as a woman. I never liked being in the centre of attention anyway."

Sirius fiddled in his bag for one more thing and turned to Tonks, "And here's a picture of Amber Golightly, the one that you'll be impersonating." He gave her a quick glance up and down. "Can you transform just from a picture?"

Tonks screwed up her features so that they matched Amber's exactly. "I don't know, Sirius, you tell me?" She stuck out her tongue at Sirius's flabbergasted expression.

"Very impressive Tonks," Remus said and then he choked a little when she transformed the rest of her body and suddenly her breasts were two times their size. "Uhm yes very good...er transfiguration work."

"Transmorphmagation, not transfiguration. No wand work involved see?" she said and held out one of her hands. She shot a glance at Sirius and Sirius looked hideously jealous. "Show off," he mumbled.

 _"Ahem ahem,"_ Remus cleared his throat, he seemed to be doing a lot of coughing lately "Now Sirius are you sure you got the right hairs? You really trust Mundungus to have gotten the right hairs and not something like cat hair?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Easy peasey! I would trust 'Dung with my life!"

Tonks snorted and Sirius glared at her.

"You're just jealous!" Sirius said and placed a hand on his hip, "Once I transform, you'll be see how beautiful I really am!" He held out a hair and small vial of polyjuice.

"Or you'll turn into a cat." one big fucking cat with a big fucking mouth, Tonks gritted.

Sirius glared at her and held up the vial. "Well there's only way to find out," Sirius winked.

Then, against Tonks and Remus's better judgment, Sirius mixed the hair into the vial and guzzled down the potion in one go.

There was a moment of tense silence as they all waited for the potion to kick in, then it started to happen.

Sirius Black started to grow breasts. Ernormous ones, Tonks noticed with irritation.

The hair and stubble on his face disappeared.

His already long black hair became longer and even wavier and silkier to the touch.

His already refined sharp features became smaller and finer until it was a woman's face with a small pert nose, wide beautiful grey eyes and a full pouting mouth with luscious red lips.

"Wow!" Remus's jaw dropped as the transformation took place, and Tonks couldn't help a twinge of jealousy that Remus was eyeing female-Sirius rather than her. She subtly nudged him in the elbow, "Stop drooling, Remus, he's still Sirius. He's still got balls somewhere under there!"

Remus gulped guiltily and looked away from his best friend. "Uhh right, good job Tonks and Sirius-"

Sirius, interrupted to speak for the first time in his woman's voice, "That's quite enough Mooney, my name's Tiffany now." She laid a hand on Remus's shoulder, who looked like he was going to pass out from boob overload. "Tiff for short," she giggled.

Fuck. Tonks had some serious competition for Remus's heart now!

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so i wasn't expecting a catfight to happen between tonks and sirius, but i'm totally loving the jealousy they have over getting Remus's attention! I'm not a wolfstar shipper but I do think Sirius might be a bit posessive over his friends and i think tonks and sirius already have this sort of Black family rivalry going...

R&R!


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks to Judy (sorry I took long but you made me remember how much I liked this story, so thanks), hillstar, scrumptiousinternetllama, guest, marauders extra, slytherinphoenix and happyland for reviewing the last chapter!**

 **And to recap the last chapter: both marauders were trying on some outfits and taking the polyjuice with the hairs of Tiffany and Diane so they could become women and go in disguise! Tonks obviously doesn't need polyjuice because she's a metamorphmagi!...anyways m** **ore craziness!**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

* * *

Tonks banged on the door. "C'mon Remus! Get out of the washroom so we can have a proper look at you." She smirked and fiddled with the silver piercings in her ear. "C'mon Remus, I'm sure it can't be that bad!"

As soon as Remus had taken his polyjuice with the hairs of Sherbert McLane, he'd ran to the washroom and refused to come out. Which was disappointing because they all wanted to see what 'Diane' looked like.

"I'm not coming out. So you had better just leave Tonks," Remus huffed from behind the door. He'd been there like half an hour.

Sirius, still in lady-form, came up behind her and knocked even louder on the door, nearly blowing the door of its hinges.

Tonks merely raised her eyebrows. Now that Sirius had taken his polyjuice he was a woman with a doll-like face and a petite figure but...he had all the delicacy of a battle axe. Tonks wondered if despite the polyjuice, Sirius had kept all his manly strength in his body.

Sirius came up and banged roughly on the door a few more times than tried his wand on it. "Damn it, he locked it."

Tonks rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, sizing up the other woman. "Well of course he did. Don't you think that's the first spell I would've tried?"

Sirius stared jealousy at her. "Well I know Mooney better than you." He turned back to the door and practically hissed at it. "He just needs a little shove. Oi! Diane! Get your arse out here!"

"No," Remus quipped flatly from the other side.

Sirius knocked again at the door and raised his voice even louder. "MOONEY IF YOU DON'T COME OUT HERE THIS INSTANCE, I'M GOING TO MAKE SURE YOUR NEW NAME DIANE IS TATTOOED TO YOUR FACE!"

"You wouldn't bloody dare!" Remus growled from the other side.

"Then get your arse out here." Sirius whined and pounded even louder on the door. "C'mon Mooney, you go through bigger tranformations every month when you turn into a werewolf!"

"I don't grow breasts every month!"

Sirius snickered. "No, you grow into something far hairier and less appealing."

Remus growled on the otherside.

"Perhaps you should stop provoking him," Tonks whispered.

"Nonsense!" Sirius laughed and pounded even louder at the door, "Hey is it just the breasts or you actually just panicked because you lost your -"

Sirius never got to finish his sentence as they were both catapulted back onto the floor as the washroom door swung open with a mighty heave and out stepped a furious Remus.

Tonk's mouth fell open as she looked up at the 6 foot 2 blonde woman standing in the doorway.

She was totally unrecognizable, yet there was something Remus _-ish_ about her. With the beastly blonde hair, dangerous almost wolfish curves and high heels with a mini-skirt.

"Holy smackerels," Sirius muttered and his jaw hit the floor too. Tonks had no doubt, Sirius was getting a some wood for his friend too. Which just made the fact that Remus was attracted to female-Sirius even weirder.

"Happy now?" Remus, aka Diane, quipped in a slightly husk and deep voice for a woman.

Sirius suddenly broke down into hysterical laughter, he put a hand on the wall to keep himself upright so he didnt double over with laughter.

Tonks couldn't help chuckling too.

"What?" Remus-Diane asked and her eyes stared confusedly between Sirius and Tonks.

"Oh sweet merlin," Sirius-Tiffany giggled very much like a woman, "I knew Mundungus said Diane was a blonde bint with big feet." He wiped at his eyes. "But this is almost too much! You're too tall for a woman, you look like a man in drag!"

Diane who's temper seemed to grow only worse as a woman grabbed Tiffany-Sirius, who was a tiny woman at 5ft4, around the neck. "Well all the better to push you around!"

"Well some things never change," Tonks smirked as she watched female-Sirius yelp as female-Remus put him in a headlock.

She interrupted their little catfight and pulled apart female-Sirius and female-Diane before they ended up breaking each other's nails.

"C'mon boys, stop the catfight and let's start planning how we're going to get into Malfoy Manor."

Remus scowled. "Yes, well like this, I doubt Malfoy would even pass a second look at me."

Sirius snickered. "You don't know that. For all you know, he likes big girls! You know big strong country girls, the one's that have been fed too much."

Remus swatted him on his head.

"Ouch." Sirius cried and then pulled at the other women's hair in retaliation.

Tonks pinched she-Sirius on the arm. "Quit pulling each other's hair!"

"He started it!"

"I don't care who started it Sirius, you two ladies need to get along!" Tonks admonished them.

Remus pouted and looked sad, so Tonks immediately felt a bit guilty. She walked up to comfort him... _er_ her.

"Don't listen to Sirius. I for one, think you're a beautiful woman," Tonks said a bit awkwardly, because despite being a woman, Remus still sort of felt like Remus even as a woman. Diane and Remus were both blonde, over 6ft and had kind eyes.

"Thanks Tonks," female-Remus said.

Sirius, always the mature one, interrupted their moment. "What are you two lesbians now?"

Remus and Tonks shared a long suffering look. "Shall I do the honours or would you like to?"

Tonks shook her head. "No, you do it much better than me. You still hold quite the knock, even as a woman."

"Though, we could do it at the same time?" Remus suggested mischievously and they shared a grin.

Sirius screamed again as both Tonks and Remus punched him in arm.

"What was that for?!" Sirius shouted, rubbing his sore female arms which were about the size of noodles because Tiffany's body was so small. Still they couldn't let that stop them from bullying Sirius.

"For being a git."

"And," Remus added and put his hands on his large womanly hips. "For not respecting that beauty comes in all sizes."

"I don't like you as a woman, Remus," Sirius muttered darkly.

"Get used it. Diane's new in town but she's going to stay for awhile!"

Tonks and Remus clapped hands. "Girl power!"

That of course, was the moment that Mad-Eye chose to walk in.

Both Tonks, Remus and Sirius who were all in tight shirts and short skirts felt their stomachs turn as Mad-Eye eyed them hungrily.

"Oh god! Somebody help me! I think Mad-Eye just totally saw under my skirt with his magic eye!" female-Sirius yelped and ran out of the room.

Mad-Eye coughed awkwardly and turned to Tonks, the only female he recognized. "Did I do something to offend your lady friend, Nymphadora?"

Tonks sniggered. "Actually that was Sirius that you totally just checked out."

The look of horror on her former teacher's face was priceless. Priceless.

She grabbed female-Remus before Mad-Eye started hitting on her Remus too. "C'mon Remus," she said loudly so Mad-Eye could hear who this lovely blonde woman actually was. "Let's go make the plans to get into Malfoy Manor!"

"Wait up I'm coming!" Sirius called from upstairs as he reappeared fully dressed in a bathrobe so Mad-Eye couldn't eyeball him anymore.

Female-Sirius raised his nose snootily as all three passed by a bewildered Mad-Eye Moody. "We don't want any passerby, snooping in on our plans...or skirts!" Sirius said accusingly and Mad-Eye blushed deep scarlet.

Tonks punched her cousin in the arm. She winked. "Now you know how I felt whenever you eyed me in my skirt!"

Sirius just shrugged. "To be fair though I have better legs than you."

"Oh just shut up, you two!" female-Remus muttered and slapped the two on their backs. "I have a feeling Lucius will be visiting the club this weekend and we need to be there and ready!"

Sirius, arrogantly, rolled his eyes and pushed up his breasts. "Don't worry, Diane, Lucius won't be able to resist me!"

Tonks sighed. She _really_ hoped Sirius was just joking about being this enthusiastic about seducing his cousin's husband...then again he was a Black...and fairly inbred...She just crossed her fingers, none of the girls took it too far!

.

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Next chapter is dramione and lucius at Malfoy Manor again


	10. Chapter 10

Thanks to scrumptiousinternetllama, maddie (hi!), old toad, maraudersextra and judy for reviewing the last chapters! Thanks and none of my stories are abandoned! I've made a rule that I have to finish them before I start another one...even though I technically did start a xeno/sirius/hermione timetravel story for a challenge, I am going to give this one priority for awhile ;)

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

* * *

Lucius Malfoy grimaced as he read over his morning copy of the Daily Prophet.

His lips curled into a sneer of disdain as he re-read the headlines: _"New Minister of Magic to make sure Muggle-Wizarding Affairs are more friendly and co-habitable."_

"Unbelievable," he muttered under his breath and put down the paper to start tucking into some crepe chocolate pancakes his house-elf Francois, a French soummelier, had whipped up that morning.

He shot a glance at Narcissa, his ageless pretty wife, who was also sipping on a cup of matcha green dragon tea as she nibbled at a croissant. Appreciatively, his eyes drew over her blue cashmere sweater and matching dress which she was wearing today. Though Narcissa usually was dressed up to the nines, so it was no surprise to see her looking so lovely. Actually, he found her prim perfection irritating at some times and wished to dirty his hands on something more raw...and unrefined...like a country girl!

Narcissa paused in between plucking a grape between her perfect mouth to attend to her husband, who was visibly cross.

"Is something the matter dear?" she pressed lightly, examining her manicured nails subtly while pretending to pay full attention to her husband.

Lucius cringed and his eyes darted resentfully back to the paper. "It's absolutely outrageous what passes for politics these days."

"Oh?" Narcissa raised her brows.

Lucius shrugged and tapped his snake cane impatiently across their glass breakfast table. "You wouldn't believe the type of legislature that passes nowadays, it's all gone completely downhill! The wizarding world is in peril without a strong hand to guide it!" If only Voldemort wasn't in hiding again!

"Yes, I'm sure it'll be fine, dear," Narcissa said vacantly.

Lucius rolled his eyes. His wife was pretty, but she wasn't one to discuss politics with. Narcisa just didn't understand politics or their implications for the future of the wizarding world. Or at least, she showed absolutely no interest in discussing his various schemes of how he would take down the Ministry from the inside using the Wizegamot...and various bribing. Ah, well all in a day's work for a billionaire political aristocrat and secret Death Eater.

He scoffed down some more of the chocolate crepes and carefully wiped his handsome face of any smudges, before rising magnanimously from the table.

"I have some things to attend to at the Ministry. I fear without my influence, this nation will run to complete shambles. Don't wait for me, with the way things are going, it'll probably take all day!"

"Of course dear," Narcissa replied indifferently while flipping another page of her _Witch's Vogue_ magazine.

Lucius just rolled his eyes as he left the breakfast table and trotted to the hallway to apparate.

Sometimes lying to his wife was too easy.

Then again, she didn't seem to care where he went or who he spent time with.

Perhaps because she was spending some illicit time of her own? The dark thought crossed his mind but he shrugged it away.

No, Narcissa was much too singularly minded to deceive him. He would know by now if she had a lover on the side.

Lucius chuckled darkly to himself as he apparated outside the Manor. "Nope, unlikely," he said and popped the p. "Narcissa isn't as deceitful as I am. The only one of us in this marriage dabbling on the side is myself."

He chuckled again, he was _especially_ going to get deviant tonight.

Sure, he would actually visit the Ministry of Magic and admonish various politicians on the economic setbacks of a new alliance with muggles (while being sure to bribe all the right people), but there would be plenty of time after to spend the rest of his money at his favourite place: The Consortium Gentleman's Club and Madame Maxine's.

He smiled. This is where all the real politics happened and where the influential men of Britain went to relax..with the company of hired and refined escorts and love-witches.

Oh yes, it was going to be a busy day.

.

* * *

.

Hermione tucked a strand back of her boyfriend's hair.

"Do you think anyone will notice?"

"No I don't think so."

"Are you sure?"

"Well, no I can't be completely sure, but I doubt it will really be so much of a surprise."

"Stop teasing."

"I'm not."

"Okay, let's do this."

The blonde boy downed a glass of the ghastly-tasting polyjuice potion and became...Neville Longbottom.

Hermione smiled, now they could spend the whole day together without anyone noticing.

Although it saddened her a little that her boyfriend would look so different, at least she would look the same as he gazed upon her with his usual love-struck eyes.

"C'mon, you're perfect," she teased and pecked him on the cheek.

Her boyfriend looked distinctly unhappy. His eyes narrowed. "Why is it that you always ask me to polyjuice into Neville Longbottom?" He felt at his hair and new body, which was similar but less athletic than his own body. "It's not because you have a thing for him do you?"

Hermione laughed. "Oh Draco please, stop being jealous." She teased again. "You know I prefer you, not that Neville has a bad body." She leered at his pants. "Hey I wonder what size is his..."

Draco, polyjuiced as Neville, grabbed her hand before it could go any lower. "Stop teasing witch." He pressed her back against the wall of the potions cloakroom they had snuck into, and ravaged her mouth.

In between violent, possessive kisses to her neck, he muttered. "Don't think. I'm. Going. To use. His dick. To fuck you." He patted her arse. "Even if it is still me."

If she was honest, Draco's possessiveness turned her on. Still she decided to tease him a little further.

"So you wouldn't want me if I was polyjuiced as Daphne Greengrass?"

"That's different."

Hermione grinned. Sometimes it was fun having a Slytherin bad-boy boyfriend that no one else could no about. It kind of added to the fun that Draco's parents and all their friends would kill them if they ever found out. Harry and Ron, especially would be scandalized, and she would have a lot of explaining to do.

"We have to be careful, Draco. I think my sister knows."

Draco shook his head, unphased. "So what's she going to do? Barge into Hogwarts and try to interrogate me, or rather 'Stephen'?"

Hermione turned red in the face. "Except Stephen Collins is actually real and a student here, who's hair we used to polyjuice you without permission." She bit her lip, it was almost funny at the same time it was horrifying. "I have nightmares that my sister is going to barge into Hogwarts one day and try to interrogate the real Stephen Collins!"

Draco snaked a hand around her waist and pressed her to him. "It wouldn't bother me."

"Right, because you're a Slytherin and couldn't care less what happens to anyone else that falls in the way of you getting what you want. But I'd feel terrible if something happened to Stephen."

"Hermione, I want you. Isn't that enough?"

Her brown eyes lit up a little. "I want to meet your parents."

"You know that's a bad idea."

"I know...Still if maybe they got used to me, or rather my personality, when I revealed the truth of who I am, maybe they'd accept me more? My parents loved you."

Draco completely stopped kissing her and stood back. "Your parents loved Stephen. Stephen Collins the goody-goody Ravenclaw who has no dark connections or past. If they knew I was actually the son of a Death Eater, they wouldn't have even let me step a foot in your house."

Hermione was determined, however. "We can't give up this easily and we won't be able to hide forever. We're going to have to get our families to accept us. I have a plan."

A brilliant, deviant plan.

.

* * *

a/n - Well the cat's out of the bag. Hermione is dating Draco and Stephen Collins was Draco Malfoy all along, though I think the character tags draco/hermione already gave that away didn't it? :) Don't worry though dramione and tonks are going to be butting heads soon, plus remus might just catch the eye of lucius! After all he does like large country girls like Diane!

I might also add that I think Narcissa Malfoy is not as vapid as she seems and she's probably up to some mischief behind Lucius's back too!

Thanks for reading, fav and following :D


	11. Chapter 11

Thanks to Vanessa85, Yaw613, scrumptiousinternetllama, maraudersextra, and lamia for reviewing the last chapter!

Also, if you get triggered, in this chapter: I write Lucius Malfoy as an extremely wealthy and abusive man, as he was in the books...but don't worry too much, Tonks, Diane and Tiffany are going to kick his arse when they finally get to meet him. Actually, there's probably going to be plenty of asskicking once they get infiltrate the club :)

This chapter also takes place about a week later from where the last chapter was

* * *

 **Chapter 11: While the Cats away, the Mice will Play!**

* * *

Lucius grinned as he stepped inside the doors of the Consortium. This was _exactly_ the type of place he liked: first class, ridiculously expensive, and he got treated like a king. Quite literally, but then he was one of the wealthiest and highest paying customers to frequent the private club. So quite rightfully, they treated him like royalty; if they ever crossed him, he might even use his vast connections to shut the illegal operation down.

Luckily, they were very compliant and gave him whatever he wanted.

"May I help you, Lord Malfoy?"

His lips twisted into a smug grin as one of the witchy women at the entrance, dressed in a tight gold dress, ushered him inside the temple of sin.

"Yes," he drawled while he let his eyes travel all over her. "I believe you can. I'd like to gamble a bit on the tables, and then I would like you to bring me some of your finer witches," he grinned. "For company."

"As you wish, Lord Malfoy," the witch squeaked and bowed her head slightly.

Yes, this was _exactly_ his type of place.

He grinned wider, like a fox in a chicken's den, as she turned around to lead the way and he placed a hand on the witch's bottom as she walked in front of him.

The witch, while not one of the escorts, dared not complain. She'd surely lose her job if she tried to complain about the Consortium's most highest paying customer.

 _Oh, he loved the power._

Once he was within the highly warded underground casino, which had high vaulted, gold ceilings and waterfalls like the glitziest Las Vegas hotel, Lucius took a breath of deep air. _This was the life._ He swung his silver and diamond snake cane by the handle as he confidently strode towards one of the blackjack tables where the Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, and other important men were already playing.

He was greeted by familiar, important faces that ruled the Wizarding World by day, and played blackjack, Russian roulette and other illegal gambles by night. He was very much a regular in this elite club.

"Gentleman, may I join you?"

Rufus Scrimgeour chuckled and puffed at his cigar, a sly grin on the rascally minister's face. "Depends on how much galleons you want to lose."

"Oh, but you know I'm a good loser."

Another wizard seated at the table, Charles Greengrass, one of the senior judges of the Wizengamot, laughed and greedily placed his thick, chubby hands over his tokens. "Good. I'm planning to recuperate my losses tonight!"

Lucius sat down in satisfaction. "Don't be so sure, Greengrass," he warned the older gentleman. "I play for keeps." He raised a hand to the dealer, "I'll have 10,000," he drawled smoothly and watched as the men around him gasped in shock.

"Pour the golden champagne!"

* * *

~o~

"Okay, ground rules," Tonks said. "No touching, no fondling and no explicit language."

They'd already gone through the rules several times, but with a loose canon like Sirius on board, it seemed like a good idea to go over the rules as many times as possible.

Especially because she was sure Sirius had absolutely no intentions of following any of the rules of their mission.

"Can I ask a question?" asked Sirius, who was leaning back in his chair by his haunches.

"You just did." Tonks tried to not get too snappy at him, though it was getting harder and harder when they were arguing more than ever. Especially now that Sirius spent more than half his time polyjuiced as Tiffany and prancing around in heels and short skirts that made every man, including Remus, stare at him. Luckily, Sirius was just his normal man-self right now and not polyjuiced...though he was still irritating.

"Well, can I ask another question?"

Tonks grit her teeth. "Again, you just did ask a question." She huffed. "So why don't you just ask the question and get it over with?"

Sirius grinned, satisfied that she was annoyed. "Okay, I will, if you insist. Well..." he said and his silver eyes stared off at the ceiling. "Theoretically speaking, what if Lucius wanted to do something more with me, because Tiffany is quite irresistible, how am I going to wheedle my way out of that without breaking the rules?"

Tonks clenched her fist under the table while staring at her cousin. Why did she get the feeling, Tiffany was actually going to do everything to seduce Lucius and break all the rules?

She tried to control her temper. " _Again, Tiffany,"_ she said the name ironically. _"N_ o touching, _no_ fondling and _no_ illicit language, unless specifically requested by Lucius and there's no way out of it without blowing our cover. This is a classy club, so the escorts are there mostly just to chat and look pretty. Yes, in revealing outfits, but actually a lot of the wizards like to take the escorts out to wine and dine them like they would any ordinary date."

Remus coughed uncomfortably. "Some of them have any married escorts. Which is why the club insists on pureblooded escorts only."

Tonk's eyes watered. "Yeah, I'm trying not to think about that. Though you'd have to be a pretty crazy millionaire to want to marry an escort."

"Hey, don't put down our profession!" Sirius said superciliously.

"Don't make me swat you." Tonks felt her hair turning red. "I know this is like the first real job you've had in practically all your life, but it does NOT make you a professional escort!"

Sirius flicked his hair back. "My options are open! Don't underestimate me."

 _"Grrrr_." Tonks literally growled.

Remus interrupted before she started arguing with her annoying, smart-arse cousin Sirius again.

"Okay, back on topic," the werewolf said evenly and calmly, though the bags under his eyes betrayed that he actually was tired. "Our goal is to be classy and charming enough for Lucius to want to take us out and then, once he's inebriated enough, back to Malfoy Manor. His wife is going to be away for a whole week in France and from what our sources tell us, Lucius Malfoy, even when his wife is home, likes to take his female companions back to the sprawling mansion. Malfoy Manor is big enough that what's happening in one room or floor won't be heard throughout the other hundred rooms and four-floors. Basically, it's like a labyrinth and highly warded. Once you get in, you can't get out."

"That's reassuring," Sirius snorted. "Sounds like a mouse trap. I say we need a backup plan and portkey to get out of there in case!"

Tonks rolled her eyes. "Sirius _, in case you haven't been paying attention_ , the whole point of this mission is to break the wards from the inside so that we can unlock it anytime after using a special portkey."

Sirius scowled. "Who's going to do that?"

"Tonks is." Remus beamed at her proudly and Tonks felt brightened to be admired by his amber eyes.

"You know about wards?" Sirius asked incredulously.

Tonks felt like slapping him on the upside of the head. "Yes, I do. It was part of my auror training."

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her, clearly jealous that Remus had given her attention.

"Tonks, why don't we focus back on the club? What do you know of it?" Remus asked and he seemed tense. Well, he had been on edge and rather tired around the eyes the last few days. and considering it wasn't anytime near the full moon, Tonks guessed it might just be the nerves of performing as a woman on a dangerous mission. Merlin knows, she was also starting to lose sleep about it. Because if anything went wrong, it could get very...complicated.

"Right. Good point." Tonks nodded and pointed her hand at Mundungus, who happened to be attending their meeting, just for this purpose. "Dung has been watching and infiltrating the Consortium club for weeks now, Dung why don't you take it from here?"

She sat back down at the worn Order of the Phoenix kitchen table and let out a sigh of relief. Not that she had much faith in Dung to be a reliable informant. Yet, if there ever was a dodgy place in London or wizarding England, Mundungus Fletcher knew about it. So to that extent, he was somewhat trustworthy or at least useful.

The scruffy redhead got up from his place at the table and his grubby hands fiddled with the edge of his hat, as he stared at them through through baleful blue eyes.

'Well?" Remus and Tonks both asked him at the same time. Tonks blushed that her and Remus were now on speaking at the same time, they were on the same wavelength. "Never mind you go ahead," she whispered in embarrassment at Remus.

Remus chuckled. "Right, well Mundungus, why don't you start by telling us what you know about the clientele?"

"All spiffy and elite, I've seen some of the richest wizards in all of Britain, step in there."

"Good, who have you seen there?"

Mundungus scratched at his beard and grunted. "Besides Lucius, there are actually several men, some of whom have Death Eater connections, including that Scrimgroer fella, Greengrass from the Wizegamot and Lord Nott."

"Lord Nott?" Sirius asked. "I think I'm related to him..."

"Nevermind Nott," Tonks gulped shakily. "You saw the Minister of Magic at the club?"

 _Oh this mission could fuck up in some many ways..._

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* * *

a/n - Thanks for reading, fav and following :D

BTW I know my updates tend to be sporadic, sorry, but if you're looking to read a really good, funny remus/tonks story in the mean time, I can't highly recommend enough: "Fun & Games at Grimmauld Place" by gemini-victoria It's already completed and that story made me laugh so much and has Remus, Tonks and Sirius in it competing in a prank war like the Olympics. Perfect now that the real olympics are going on! Do give it a read, she has a crazy sense of humour!


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